Why Crimes Would Never Get Solved at a TV Police StationJohn Rock stepped hesitantly into the station, the light so blindingly bright it pierced even the imposing wall of his truly massive aviator sunglasses. He approached the desk and gave his name. The check-in girl was pretty in a subdued, authoritative fashion. She looked like she’d bust your balls at the station and do something [...]
The 7 Most Horrifying Things Found in the Homes of 'Hoarders'The A&E series Hoarders is pretty much the most fascinating reality show ever, and I am including Flavor of Love. Thanks to reality TV, this destructive psychological problem is probably the easiest way to get on TV without expending a single calorie of energy. I viewed every episode of the show, taking careful notes and [...]
A Baffling Look at the Future of Music: Tween Pop StarsOne must be forever vigilant in today's world of parenting, especially if you’re the proud owner of a tween. Tweens grow up fast these days and apparently they’re extremely important to our economy; That's why the Powers-That-Be needed to invent a stupid new word for them. Around every corner lurks an evil that could [...]
If The 'Space Invaders' Movie is Faithful to the GameAs some of you may know, Warner Brothers is in talks to acquire the movie rights to video games’ great great grandfather, Space Invaders.
Not wasting any time, producer Mark Gordon has already commissioned a screenplay for the film and, wasting even less time, I stole it. For the first time ever, please enjoy these excerpts [...]
Your 3rd Grade Science Textbook As Written by Gary BuseyMany people have asked me how I manage to bring such a scientific approach to writing jokes about penises and dicks. It actually goes back to my seventh grade science class when I wrote the joke, “Hey, Mr. Higgins, I don’t need to dissect this pig fetus to know what’s inside it!”
I never got [...]
Quantum Leap: The R Rated Version
Theorizing that one could time travel within his own lifetime, Dr. Sam Becket led an elite group of scientists into the desert to develop a top secret project known as Quantum Leap. Pressured to prove his theories or lose funding, Dr. Becket prematurely stepped into the project accelerator… and found a half-naked mustachioed man sleeping [...]
6 Classic Movie Monsters Most Likely to Get Ruined NextOne thing gone relatively unmentioned in all the nonsense surrounding the Twilight phenomenon, is it’s reinvention, yet again, of that classic movie monster, the vampire. Indeed, when you consider the Twilight books, those ridiculous Wesley Snipes movies, the less ridiculous but much sadder Anne Rice books and that one cereal, you realize that vampires, in [...]
The 5 Most Horrifying Attempts to Teach Sex Ed to ChildrenIf you’re a regular reader of my column, you have a time machine and that is wicked.
The rest of you should know that I am all about keepin’ it real. For instance, I will now give you a troubling look at a conversation taking place somewhere right now between two youths:
Timmy: This enchanted [...]
If Tiger Woods' Apology Was HonestGood afternoon, members of the Press, Friends, Family, President of the Nike Corporation, CEO of Buick, Mom and fans across the world. I come before you today to answer for my actions, and I plan on doing that. I want to first thank you all for coming and supporting me during this, for the sake [...]
Is it Gay or is it Maxim? A (Surprisingly Hard) Magazine Ad QuizSometimes I read Maxim in order to stay current on which bikini models the caption writer at Maxim wants to molest. It has saved my life six times. But as I was panting over the ladies of Project Runway and an interview with Ben Kingsley, I found myself strangely not masturbating. If [...]
