Cracked's New Year's Resolutions
digg_url = 'http://www.cracked.com/blog/crackeds-new-years-resolutions/';
digg_title = 'How (Not) To Succeed at 9 Common New Year\'s Resolutions';
digg_bodytext = 'Around the Cracked offices, we have an annual tradition every New Year where all the staff gather around and publicly make a promises as to how they\'ll be better comedy citizens in the coming year.';
digg_media = 'news';
digg_topic = 'comedy';
Around the [...]
What's G-Stone Been Up To? (or Tips For A Great 2009)
digg_url = 'http://www.cracked.com/blog/whats-g-stone-been-up-to-or-tips-for-a-great-2009/';
digg_title = 'What's G-Stone Been Up To Since HBN?';
digg_bodytext = 'An update from a trimmer, handsomer Gladstone.';
digg_media = 'news';
digg_topic = 'comedy';
I'm not going to lie to you. After shutting down my wildly successful Hate By Numbers tm series, I wasn't coming back. My self-imposed indefinite sabbatical was going really well, and I [...]
Insane Messages We're Actually Sending Into Deep Space
We've been indiscriminately beaming everything from telephone calls to commercials deep into outer space for more than a century, but it's only recently that we've started to actively exploit that targeted demographic: Theoretical aliens. Well, that’s all changed now that the new remake of The Day the Earth Stood Still was broadcast directly to Alpha [...]
The 8 Most Misguided Sci-Fi Versions Of 2008
digg_url = 'http://www.cracked.com/blog/space-trees-suicide-and-van-der-beek-8-misguided-visions-of-the-year-2008/';
digg_title = 'The 8 Most Misguided Sci-Fi Versions Of 2008';
digg_bodytext = 'Space trees?! The past must be SO embarrassed!';
digg_media = 'news';
digg_topic = 'comedy';
2008 was a year full of surprises. And by that, I am of course referring to the huge number of unplanned pregnancies that graced those twelve calendar pages. But when [...]
'Watchmen' Fan Cordially Invites Fox to Eat Several Dicks
digg_url = 'http://digg.com/movies/Watchmen_Fan_Cordially_Invites_Fox_to_Eat_Several_Dicks';
Dear Fox,
Eat all the dicks.
Love,
-DOB
PS
(Okay, let me clarify a little bit for anyone who might be reading this letter that isn’t either a)obsessed with The Watchmen or b) the head of the Fox Corporation.) Back in the 80s, Fox purchased the rights to a Watchmen movie and celebrated by not making it for [...]
6 Real Life Supervillains of Christmas
All the classic Christmas stories have a villain whose sole pleasure is the misery of children but, through the magic of the holidays, ultimately learns a lesson about love, charity, and the Spirit of Giving: The Grinch's heart grew three sizes, Scrooge bought a Christmas goose, and Randy Quaid gave Chevy Chase a white slave. [...]
The Lament of the Hardcore Wii ownerI own a Wii. And I am growing Dissatisfied.
First I should probably define my terms a little. By “hardcore” I don’t mean that I wait in front of stores the day before a game releases, or have an online handle like “AssAssAssin” and scream profanities at ten year olds. I don’t hang out with [...]
Letters From Santa
digg_url = 'http://www.cracked.com/blog/letters-from-santa/';
digg_title = 'Letters FROM Santa';
digg_bodytext = 'Seriously kid, I barely have a college degree. I make skateboards up here. I cannot turn your heat back on.';
digg_media = 'news';
digg_topic = 'comedy';
Dear Everyone,
Okay, let me start off by saying that I’ve never done this before because, in the past, it hasn’t been an issue. [...]
7 Images Too Badass To Be Real (That Totally Are)
digg_url = 'http://www.cracked.com/blog/7-images-too-badass-to-be-real-that-totally-are/';
digg_title = '7 Images Too Badass To Be Real (That Totally Are)';
digg_bodytext = 'These are moments in time so incredible that they should only exist within the pages of comic books, so insane they\'re more like jump-cuts in Heavy Metal videos, and so badass that they instantly make everything you\'ve done seem worthless [...]
Shoe Attack Lesson #1: Bush Has Mortal Kombat Reflexes
digg_url = 'http://digg.com/comedy/Shoe_Attack_Lesson_1_Bush_Has_Mortal_Kombat_Reflexes';
digg_title = 'Shoe Attack Lesson #1: Bush Has Mortal Kombat Reflexes';
digg_bodytext = 'Lesson number two is that the secret service ain\'t what they used to be (for better or worse). ';
digg_media = 'news';
digg_topic = 'comedy';
So Someone threw their shoes at the President this weekend. Shoes. The President. I know. We wouldn’t really [...]
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